Self Esteem

Self esteem obviously comes with confidence.

Actually, there is no such thing as self esteem. As Richard Bandler puts it, “there is no steam” to build up: Self esteem is something you ‘do’. You can ‘esteem’ yourself or you can believe that others have a reason to esteem or respect you. Learning how to esteem and respect yourself and to recognise your positive points is a lot easier than trying to build up some mythical property that you are supposed to ‘have’.

The problems occur when we either

Don’t like ourselves,
Don’t think that others like us or are likely to like us or
You take criticism too seriously.

Not liking ourselves

We tend to not like ourselves when we feel we have done something wrong and we may be feeling guilty or ashamed. Or it may be that we feel we have let ourselves down in some way.

Let us be honest: We have all made mistakes. We have all done something that we knew was wrong at some time and we have all failed or disappointed ourselves at times and not lived up to our ideals and standards.

What we need to do is to learn from our mistakes, see what we could have done differently and see how we can handle any similar situations much better in the future. Usually when we are trying to do this, our emotions sometimes get in the way, making it difficult to see things objectively. I can help you to detach from the emotions, not to let you off the hook, but to help you to see the situation more clearly and to allow your mind to more easily see the solutions.

At least if you are willing to recognise your mistakes, then you are being conscientious and honest with yourself. You are at least not being arrogant and trying to cover up for yourself. As soon as you are clear that you want to learn from the situation and if it is possible and appropriate, to put things right, then you are entitled to forgive yourself. It is almost certain that whatever you did was the best you knew at the time to fulfil what you thought were your needs.

Once you have been honest with yourself, once you have learned, cleaned up and forgiven yourself, you can feel good about yourself and feel confident that you will handle things far better in the future.

Feeling others don’t or wouldn’t like you

If you are are feeling inadequate, unaccomplished or that you do not know how to handle social situations, I can help there too.

First of all it is good to realise that you were born pure, perfect and innocent and that you were and still are absolutely magnificent and totally loveable. The problem is that not everyone can see you that way.

The problem is that not many people see you for who you really are. Many cannot see beyond their own problems and worries or they are too caught up in their own world and are not really paying attention to who you really are.

Others have low standards for themselves and cannot understand why anyone would have any higher standards for themselves. These people are either judging others and yourself by their own standards and expecting you to do the same in any situation as they would themselves. They think you are dishonest? That is because they would be in the same circumstances as well. Or they thing that anyone who has better standards than themselves is a fool or an idiot for not doing what they would do. You can get on fine without their approval, so long as you can stay clear of them. If you cannot, then recognise how they are and be careful and yet still treat them with respect as a fellow human being.

Fortunately, most of us not need more than a small handfull or ‘real’ friends and better still, there are still many people who can see you for who you are and who may want to help to make your life better.

For those who can see you for who you are, they will look beyond any surface insecurities or mistakes, and so long as you are doing your best to respect other people and do the best in your life, then they will see you for the loveable person you really are. Remember, a little baby does not have to do anything at all in order to be loved, at least by those who are capable of loving. Neither do you need to do anything special other than just be true to yourself.

If you happen to feel inadequate or unaccomplished, I am good at helping you to both recognise and accept all your hidden accomplishments and good points. If you are not that good with people, there is a lot I can teach you and coach you with in communicating with and understanding people and in setting up genuine ‘Win-Win’ situations where people will respect you.

Susceptible to criticism

It is always a good idea to listen to feedback and criticism, there may be some valuable points we can use to improve how we get on with other people and to improve our lives, but we have to be careful to avoid taking anything that is said personally. Criticism is feedback about what we are doing or have done carried along with a negative attitude about who you are. One is about your behaviour and is useful. The other is about your identity and is usually not.

Remember that your own personal life is your own business and that so long as you are respecting other people and not likely to do any harm, then you are entitled to do and think as you like. There are people who might want to impose their own so called moral standards on you: you have to make your own mind up about what is right for you and I can help you with this. But you are entitled to a life of your own and you are entitled to pleasure and satisfaction and to share these with those who will appreciate it.

And as above, there may be people criticising you who do not really know you and suspect you of things that they might do, but that you probably would not do. By all means check if you could be doing something either inappropriate, disrespectful or unwise, but otherwise… Stop taking it personally, it is not about you, it is about the reflection of themselves that they are projecting onto you. Beware of judging yourself by other people’s faulty standards.

I can help you to separate out any useful feedback that might be carried with a personal slight. I can also help you to filter out the contagious negative voice tone, so that you can stay calm and centred and keep your feelings protected.

I can also help you to clear up the damage from years of negative criticism and to help you recognise if you actually are a caring, conscientious person who happens to want to do the right thing.